What is a Depressed Procrastinator?

Evidently I am a sloth

It has been a few days since I wrote , mainly because we have been in the process of completing a awesome change.  Michael will be starting a new job next month.  I didn't want to take a chance of writing anything about it until he gave his notice. I have about as much restraint of pen as I do of mouth.
He was not even looking.  They sought him out.  That's pretty positive.

It really is such a good thing.  He will be working @ 8 minutes from home and they had him write his own job description.  He is going to be building a division from the ground up for a very reputable company.  He signed the offer letter on Friday evening and on Saturday morning we got an invitation to their company Holiday party for that evening.  We went and were introduced to everyone and had a really good time.



On the other hand, I went to my first therapist's appointment today.  He says I am a depressed procrastinator.  Not much sympathy there.  I think I am going to like him.

A Day of Contemplation

So, I have been comtemplating all day.Where did my sense of humor go?  I used to have a very good one. It tended toward the sarcastic; but it was a good sense of humor.  Now I still have the sarcasm but it seems to lean more toward the cynical than the humor.

Where did my passion go?  No, not passion as in amour.  Passion as in a passion for photography, hiking, traveling or anything; arguing about politics, whatever.

I don't think I am depressed as much as just unimpressed.  I saw a study that said that one could be in their 80s or 90s but if they still had an enthusiam  for life and were relatively independent, people did not think of them as old.  God, if that is the criteria I am halfway to decrepit.

I am tired of being home all day but there is nothing to take me out.  I don't like shopping and going hiking alone just doesn't get it.  I think about going to the gym; but hey, I can always go tomorrow.  I don't have anything going on then either.

So, what is the disconnect?  Is it because I am not working? I really didn't like working either.  When I was working I was always discontent about not having enough time at home to take care of the things I really wanted to do.  Now I have the time and I wish I was working, at least part time.

I spend too much time hanging out with me and obviously I am not very good company.  Don't get me wrong, I have a strong sense of self-confidence.  I am just boring.  No interests, no passions, no zest for life.   Kinda just hangin' out here.

Maybe I am not a realist, maybe I am just way bored and disillusioned.

Aren't you going to be surprised when you read about something good and positive here?  It will happen, I guarantee it.  I am just going to keep talking and writing until I figure this out.

Shouting Ranting and Raving for no Good Reason

I know that Michael keeps telling me that everything I write here is public and the whole world can see; but I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.  I WANT TO SHOUT IT AND RANT AND RAVE TO EVERYONE EVERYWHERE; MY HEART IS BROKEN. It is broken into a million little pieces and I don't think I can ever put it back together.  It kills me every time my son walks out my door and I know that he is going to sleep in his car tonight.  That he may or may not be using tonight. That he may or may not be around tomorrow.  I want to scream it everywhere; someone help him! Someone take pity! If there is a God out there fix my little boy.

I do know that he is 40; but, please any Mothers out there, do you ever stop seeing them as that little blue eyed blonde hair chubby little toddler  cuddled in your lap on the rocking chair? Maybe its just me. I have tried to harden my heart to it, but all it does is harden me everywhere.  I can't close down a part of my heart and keep it open to everything else.  It just doesn't work that way.  I guess it is all or nothing.  Either I am a hard hearted realist or I sit here like this afternoon.  Wasting my day with useless tears and pleas to some power that be who doesn't feel it necessary to let me in on his plans for my son.

Sorry to dump on you world, but I need to find a way back to normal and maybe just getting this out there will help.

Today was a thoroughly blah day.  'nough said.

Hmmm...wonder what they are talking about?

Apparently the optimist I live with insists that this experiment in turning a realist into, at the very least, an optimistic pessimist must continue.  I had a really bad day yesterday and it was all due to my reacting to what I perceived as others motivations.  I tend to do that a lot.  Probably why I tend to get in trouble all the time.  I think I am, not necessarily a mind reader, but more of an empath.  I read people's emotions and of course if they are not all roses and cherries it must be because of me and I try to pry out of them what I did to piss them off.  Which of course pisses them off at me even if they weren't to begin with. Is it any wonder why I tend to sway to the dark side?  It is especially frustrating when I have to take responsibility for setting the stage for it.

I am sure I am the only one out there who does this.  (comments of support that I am not the only one would truly be appreciated.  Lie if you have to. I am gullible.)

Guess I am just doomed to be a realist.  Realistic Pessimist signing off.