One of the men in my life that I have apparently had a very skewed view of is my son Brian. I remember what a pleasant little boy he was with his big blue eyes and his huge smile. His ability to talk so well at such an early age was so quaint. I was totally smitten. Mothers beware!
I have continued to see this beautiful boy to this day. My mistake. It has caused me such heartache and conflict. It has caused me to neglet and hurt the people in my life who would do anything for me just beause they love me.
Brian is the first and most important Prince Charming who must die. I have got to find a way to let the fairytale of the Baby Brian go. That mythical being must be slain. Brian is a monster who will litteraly suck the air out of my lungs and stop my heart and walk over my dead body when he was done.
He is back so deeply into the irrationality of his addiction and I have got to close my door and shut off my phone to him or I am truly going to lose my life, my sanity and probably the other people who love me so much. More importantly I am going to lose all sense of reality and self-respect.
When this monster who looks so much like my beautiful boy comes by I end up shaking and so tired that the thought of just moving from the corner of my couch seems like a monumental climb of Mt. Everest.
God help me Prince Charming Must Die!!! I have got to get a handle on the reality of the monster he has become and protect myself! Please God help me because I can't stop loving him but I can't stop hating him at the moment either and these two emotions are like matter and anti-matter and will end up obliterating me completely.
One of the first things I have to do is stop expecting that something I say or do will somehow get through. This is one of the reasons this weekend's retreat was so uncomfortable for me. I have to let go of any expectations I have that my Beautiful Boy, My first little Prince Charming is still in there somewhere and that I can somehow reach him. Prince Charming is Dead!!!! Long Live Mom!!!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Prince Charming Must Die!
I am writing this on the most annoying of mediums, my iPhone; however I thought it very important to at least get this started. It has been one of the biggest 'aha' moments of this retreat for me. I really can not do it justice on this tiny little machine so there will be much more to come later. For now suffice it to say that "Prince Charming Must Die" will probably be pretty life hanging for me if I don't drop the ball and let it drift to the back of my brain and into obscurity as I have a perchance for doing when something could really rock my world. I need to do some real writing and pondering on this concept and probably take some action too. More to come.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Pondering...Just Pondering
I am getting ready this morning to go on an annual couples retreat and as I do the wash and the packng my brain has time to ruminate into corners that I normally ignore with a great deal of consious effort - corners I really need to stay far away from.
Am I really worth anything as a person? What constitutes a person's worth? Some people believe that without a college degree you are not quite as good as. Is this true? I don't have a college degree. It wasn't necessarily a priority in my blue collar family. But one of the most intelligent persons I have ever met was my Father. There wasn't an instrument he couldn't play, he was wise in so many ways. He raised eight children who all graduated from high school, which was an huge accomplishment for him since he never finished 8th grade. Did he ever feel lesser than his collegues?
I don't think so. He was a master at math and electricity and just about any other mechanical thing. People came to him often for his help. Maybe it was a different time, but he was valued for what he could do not what he read about in some classroom.
But that was my Father. What makes me a person of worth? I really have no idea. I am not really good at keeping my home spotless even though I am not working. Even when I did work I wasn't the stellar employee my Hubby is. I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder and never have had. What defines me as a person of value? I care about others and my increasingly irritating intuition leads me to be the Queen of Unsolicited Advice. I can not look into someone's eyes and see the hurt there and not say something. I am sure most people would not look at this trait as something of value since, again, my advice is usually prompted by my impression of what they are feeling and definitely not something they have asked for. Most would tell you I was not off base about how they are doing but maybe they don't want to talk about it and I just seem to open the door uninvited. Is this of value? Sometimes maybe, maybe not.
What do I contribute that makes me of value and earns me a place here? I don't know. I don't have a college degree that declares to the world that I am a person of worth. I don't have a job that I do with unfailing loyalty proving that I am an essential team player. What do I do that defines me as a person of worth, of value? I give plenty of unsolicited advice when I see people hurting which they usually are not all that thrilled about receiving at that moment. That makes me more of a nusance than a value.
What is my contribution to making this world a better place? I will keep pondering until I come up with something. There has to be something there or I wouldn't still be here would I?
Am I really worth anything as a person? What constitutes a person's worth? Some people believe that without a college degree you are not quite as good as. Is this true? I don't have a college degree. It wasn't necessarily a priority in my blue collar family. But one of the most intelligent persons I have ever met was my Father. There wasn't an instrument he couldn't play, he was wise in so many ways. He raised eight children who all graduated from high school, which was an huge accomplishment for him since he never finished 8th grade. Did he ever feel lesser than his collegues?
I don't think so. He was a master at math and electricity and just about any other mechanical thing. People came to him often for his help. Maybe it was a different time, but he was valued for what he could do not what he read about in some classroom.
But that was my Father. What makes me a person of worth? I really have no idea. I am not really good at keeping my home spotless even though I am not working. Even when I did work I wasn't the stellar employee my Hubby is. I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder and never have had. What defines me as a person of value? I care about others and my increasingly irritating intuition leads me to be the Queen of Unsolicited Advice. I can not look into someone's eyes and see the hurt there and not say something. I am sure most people would not look at this trait as something of value since, again, my advice is usually prompted by my impression of what they are feeling and definitely not something they have asked for. Most would tell you I was not off base about how they are doing but maybe they don't want to talk about it and I just seem to open the door uninvited. Is this of value? Sometimes maybe, maybe not.
What do I contribute that makes me of value and earns me a place here? I don't know. I don't have a college degree that declares to the world that I am a person of worth. I don't have a job that I do with unfailing loyalty proving that I am an essential team player. What do I do that defines me as a person of worth, of value? I give plenty of unsolicited advice when I see people hurting which they usually are not all that thrilled about receiving at that moment. That makes me more of a nusance than a value.
What is my contribution to making this world a better place? I will keep pondering until I come up with something. There has to be something there or I wouldn't still be here would I?
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