Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Here is the Good Stuff
I just wanted to let you all know that I have an awesome, successful daughter who is the light of my life. She gets so left behind in the aftermath of my other kid and she deserves so much more. So Rene, here's to you my little ray of sunshine. I love you so much.
Positive Indoctrination for the Realist i.e. Pessimist: Will There Ever...
Positive Indoctrination for the Realist i.e. Pessimist: Will There Ever...: Will there ever be a day without tears? Will there ever be a day without fears? Will there ever be a day when I can breathe? Will there e...
Will There Ever...
Will there ever be a day without tears?
Will there ever be a day without fears?
Will there ever be a day when I can breathe?
Will there ever be a day when I don't wonder?
Will there ever be a day when I don't worry?
Will there ever be a day when it is just a day?
Will there ever be a day without fears?
Will there ever be a day when I can breathe?
Will there ever be a day when I don't wonder?
Will there ever be a day when I don't worry?
Will there ever be a day when it is just a day?
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Trying to Breathe
The thing that has taken over my son showed up at my door about a half hour ago. He is just a bag of bones and bullshit. He wanted to list his motorcycle so that he could pay the bail company that got him out this last time. Fools, they paid his bail on his word.
He has lost his phone, has no place to stay but he was going to list his bike on Craigslist. I told him I was quite puzzled as to how he was going to do this as I am not available to be his contact for any inquiries.
He is so mystified that no one will come to his aid. He sat staring at me with a look on his face of total anger and then he got up and left. I simply closed the door behind him and wished him luck out there.
I wish I could say that I am ok and this was just an uncomfortable moment but I am not. I am angry, hurt, scared, sad, grieving and on and on and on. Really just trying to breathe. I keep thinking I should call someone, but I do not really want to talk to anyone. No one knows what this is like and I know they mean well with their words but they just can't know what it is like to see your beautiful son reduced to the walking dead, To know that it is just a matter of time till he is no longer the walking dead, he is just dead, to grieve for a dead son who can still walk and talk to you but is really not there, to have the grieving go on for days and days into years and years, holding your breath until he finally finds some peace and I can begin to heal.
I pray, I cry, I go on putting one foot in front of the other until I can do one final thing for my son, put him in a box and give him some eternal rest.
He has lost his phone, has no place to stay but he was going to list his bike on Craigslist. I told him I was quite puzzled as to how he was going to do this as I am not available to be his contact for any inquiries.
He is so mystified that no one will come to his aid. He sat staring at me with a look on his face of total anger and then he got up and left. I simply closed the door behind him and wished him luck out there.
I wish I could say that I am ok and this was just an uncomfortable moment but I am not. I am angry, hurt, scared, sad, grieving and on and on and on. Really just trying to breathe. I keep thinking I should call someone, but I do not really want to talk to anyone. No one knows what this is like and I know they mean well with their words but they just can't know what it is like to see your beautiful son reduced to the walking dead, To know that it is just a matter of time till he is no longer the walking dead, he is just dead, to grieve for a dead son who can still walk and talk to you but is really not there, to have the grieving go on for days and days into years and years, holding your breath until he finally finds some peace and I can begin to heal.
I pray, I cry, I go on putting one foot in front of the other until I can do one final thing for my son, put him in a box and give him some eternal rest.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Get Over it People
So, recently I joined this neighborhood elist thing. It is supposed to be a way to get to know your neighbors and neighborhood a little better. This is for the most part a good thing. I have always thought that I live in a great neighborhood. They do things here that you usually get in a small community, not one of the largest cities in the US (not just CA).
HOWEVER; there has been a neighborhood tradition here that I have been trying find out how to participate in for quite a few years (like since we moved here). The most I have been able to find out is that there are "block or neighborhood" coordinators for each area. I have not been able to find out just who these elusive coordinators are. Sooo.... the other day I noticed that each house in our neighborhood had a little flag planted in their front yard for the fourth; every one except ours. Someone on the elist mentioned Americana in their conversation and I took the opportunity to ask about all of the flags and also the Christmas trees. I said, innocently enough I thought, that I felt like a red-headed step child which was followed with a cute little smiley face ):. Evidently I must have pissed off a lot of red-heads as I got some pretty, shall we say, snide replies.
Get Over It People. It is just a saying. I am so tired of everyone talking about being PC these days. It is not the words that make a comment incorrect or nasty or demeaning or hurtful, IT IS THE INTENT BEHIND THE WORDS!
When I was little I often heard the words "you're so special" from people who, by rights, should have thought I was a little special, however, I had no doubt that this was not what they meant. For the last 30 years I have heard everyday, at least once a day "you're so special" from a man who has been my husband and friend and by my side always. I know he means it and I feel special.
They are the exact same words! Why did one leave such scars and hurt and the other means everything to me everytime I hear it? INTENT People!
Maybe we should stop "hearing" what others say and really "listen". Listening means you pay attention, you digest the others words and actions and determine intent and response. This of course you need to use some social skills and actually interact with others. Maybe this is a bit much to ask of people today. They may actually have to slow down and pay attention.
A red-headed step child is just a saying from my youth. If it offended any red-heads out there....GET OVER IT!
HOWEVER; there has been a neighborhood tradition here that I have been trying find out how to participate in for quite a few years (like since we moved here). The most I have been able to find out is that there are "block or neighborhood" coordinators for each area. I have not been able to find out just who these elusive coordinators are. Sooo.... the other day I noticed that each house in our neighborhood had a little flag planted in their front yard for the fourth; every one except ours. Someone on the elist mentioned Americana in their conversation and I took the opportunity to ask about all of the flags and also the Christmas trees. I said, innocently enough I thought, that I felt like a red-headed step child which was followed with a cute little smiley face ):. Evidently I must have pissed off a lot of red-heads as I got some pretty, shall we say, snide replies.
Get Over It People. It is just a saying. I am so tired of everyone talking about being PC these days. It is not the words that make a comment incorrect or nasty or demeaning or hurtful, IT IS THE INTENT BEHIND THE WORDS!
When I was little I often heard the words "you're so special" from people who, by rights, should have thought I was a little special, however, I had no doubt that this was not what they meant. For the last 30 years I have heard everyday, at least once a day "you're so special" from a man who has been my husband and friend and by my side always. I know he means it and I feel special.
They are the exact same words! Why did one leave such scars and hurt and the other means everything to me everytime I hear it? INTENT People!
Maybe we should stop "hearing" what others say and really "listen". Listening means you pay attention, you digest the others words and actions and determine intent and response. This of course you need to use some social skills and actually interact with others. Maybe this is a bit much to ask of people today. They may actually have to slow down and pay attention.
A red-headed step child is just a saying from my youth. If it offended any red-heads out there....GET OVER IT!
Monday, March 18, 2013
What Are You Talking About?!?
This Morning I wake to find Mike Moritz Man of Action agitatedly pacing in the dark in our back patio room (this is where he goes to smoke and as I said before, he is always pacing or moving), He is mumbling to himself as he forcefully jabs his fingers into the small dish on the table, "Some day you're done! You're outta here! I am not doing this anymore I tell you."
Stunned, I say meekly (you all know how good I am at meekly), " Honey, we have been together almost thirty years! What are you talking about? I love you.
He looks at me like I am an alien from another planet (a look I am quite familiar with by the way)," What the heck are you talking about? I was talking about the cigarettes."
Oh, my bad. What can I say? I am a zombie in the morning. It's 6:30am, things don't start to register till around 10:00.
Have a good day Mike Moritz Man of Action. Love you.
Stunned, I say meekly (you all know how good I am at meekly), " Honey, we have been together almost thirty years! What are you talking about? I love you.
He looks at me like I am an alien from another planet (a look I am quite familiar with by the way)," What the heck are you talking about? I was talking about the cigarettes."
Oh, my bad. What can I say? I am a zombie in the morning. It's 6:30am, things don't start to register till around 10:00.
Have a good day Mike Moritz Man of Action. Love you.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Positive Indoctrination for the Realist i.e. Pessimist: I'm Baaaaak!
Positive Indoctrination for the Realist i.e. Pessimist: I'm Baaaaak!: To all my one readers around the world, I have missed you. During my absense I have done many things of import (well maybe just many things...
I'm Baaaaak!
To all my one readers around the world, I have missed you. During my absense I have done many things of import (well maybe just many things, shhhh).
Today I am here to begin my new series:
Mike Moritz Man of Action - Today starts with Mornings with Brad.
We wake up to find Mike Moritz Man of Action determiningly pacing the floor. (He always does that. No reason in particular; he just never stands still.) He is on his way to his Morning with Brad; a clandestine meeting that takes place early every Friday morning; always at a different resteraunt. What do they meet about? Why always a change of venue? I am determined to find out. Stay tuned dear reader.
Till next time.
Today I am here to begin my new series:
Mike Moritz Man of Action - Today starts with Mornings with Brad.
We wake up to find Mike Moritz Man of Action determiningly pacing the floor. (He always does that. No reason in particular; he just never stands still.) He is on his way to his Morning with Brad; a clandestine meeting that takes place early every Friday morning; always at a different resteraunt. What do they meet about? Why always a change of venue? I am determined to find out. Stay tuned dear reader.
Till next time.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Prince Charming Must Die - Part One The "Kid"
One of the men in my life that I have apparently had a very skewed view of is my son Brian. I remember what a pleasant little boy he was with his big blue eyes and his huge smile. His ability to talk so well at such an early age was so quaint. I was totally smitten. Mothers beware!
I have continued to see this beautiful boy to this day. My mistake. It has caused me such heartache and conflict. It has caused me to neglet and hurt the people in my life who would do anything for me just beause they love me.
Brian is the first and most important Prince Charming who must die. I have got to find a way to let the fairytale of the Baby Brian go. That mythical being must be slain. Brian is a monster who will litteraly suck the air out of my lungs and stop my heart and walk over my dead body when he was done.
He is back so deeply into the irrationality of his addiction and I have got to close my door and shut off my phone to him or I am truly going to lose my life, my sanity and probably the other people who love me so much. More importantly I am going to lose all sense of reality and self-respect.
When this monster who looks so much like my beautiful boy comes by I end up shaking and so tired that the thought of just moving from the corner of my couch seems like a monumental climb of Mt. Everest.
God help me Prince Charming Must Die!!! I have got to get a handle on the reality of the monster he has become and protect myself! Please God help me because I can't stop loving him but I can't stop hating him at the moment either and these two emotions are like matter and anti-matter and will end up obliterating me completely.
One of the first things I have to do is stop expecting that something I say or do will somehow get through. This is one of the reasons this weekend's retreat was so uncomfortable for me. I have to let go of any expectations I have that my Beautiful Boy, My first little Prince Charming is still in there somewhere and that I can somehow reach him. Prince Charming is Dead!!!! Long Live Mom!!!
I have continued to see this beautiful boy to this day. My mistake. It has caused me such heartache and conflict. It has caused me to neglet and hurt the people in my life who would do anything for me just beause they love me.
Brian is the first and most important Prince Charming who must die. I have got to find a way to let the fairytale of the Baby Brian go. That mythical being must be slain. Brian is a monster who will litteraly suck the air out of my lungs and stop my heart and walk over my dead body when he was done.
He is back so deeply into the irrationality of his addiction and I have got to close my door and shut off my phone to him or I am truly going to lose my life, my sanity and probably the other people who love me so much. More importantly I am going to lose all sense of reality and self-respect.
When this monster who looks so much like my beautiful boy comes by I end up shaking and so tired that the thought of just moving from the corner of my couch seems like a monumental climb of Mt. Everest.
God help me Prince Charming Must Die!!! I have got to get a handle on the reality of the monster he has become and protect myself! Please God help me because I can't stop loving him but I can't stop hating him at the moment either and these two emotions are like matter and anti-matter and will end up obliterating me completely.
One of the first things I have to do is stop expecting that something I say or do will somehow get through. This is one of the reasons this weekend's retreat was so uncomfortable for me. I have to let go of any expectations I have that my Beautiful Boy, My first little Prince Charming is still in there somewhere and that I can somehow reach him. Prince Charming is Dead!!!! Long Live Mom!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Prince Charming Must Die!
I am writing this on the most annoying of mediums, my iPhone; however I thought it very important to at least get this started. It has been one of the biggest 'aha' moments of this retreat for me. I really can not do it justice on this tiny little machine so there will be much more to come later. For now suffice it to say that "Prince Charming Must Die" will probably be pretty life hanging for me if I don't drop the ball and let it drift to the back of my brain and into obscurity as I have a perchance for doing when something could really rock my world. I need to do some real writing and pondering on this concept and probably take some action too. More to come.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Pondering...Just Pondering
I am getting ready this morning to go on an annual couples retreat and as I do the wash and the packng my brain has time to ruminate into corners that I normally ignore with a great deal of consious effort - corners I really need to stay far away from.
Am I really worth anything as a person? What constitutes a person's worth? Some people believe that without a college degree you are not quite as good as. Is this true? I don't have a college degree. It wasn't necessarily a priority in my blue collar family. But one of the most intelligent persons I have ever met was my Father. There wasn't an instrument he couldn't play, he was wise in so many ways. He raised eight children who all graduated from high school, which was an huge accomplishment for him since he never finished 8th grade. Did he ever feel lesser than his collegues?
I don't think so. He was a master at math and electricity and just about any other mechanical thing. People came to him often for his help. Maybe it was a different time, but he was valued for what he could do not what he read about in some classroom.
But that was my Father. What makes me a person of worth? I really have no idea. I am not really good at keeping my home spotless even though I am not working. Even when I did work I wasn't the stellar employee my Hubby is. I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder and never have had. What defines me as a person of value? I care about others and my increasingly irritating intuition leads me to be the Queen of Unsolicited Advice. I can not look into someone's eyes and see the hurt there and not say something. I am sure most people would not look at this trait as something of value since, again, my advice is usually prompted by my impression of what they are feeling and definitely not something they have asked for. Most would tell you I was not off base about how they are doing but maybe they don't want to talk about it and I just seem to open the door uninvited. Is this of value? Sometimes maybe, maybe not.
What do I contribute that makes me of value and earns me a place here? I don't know. I don't have a college degree that declares to the world that I am a person of worth. I don't have a job that I do with unfailing loyalty proving that I am an essential team player. What do I do that defines me as a person of worth, of value? I give plenty of unsolicited advice when I see people hurting which they usually are not all that thrilled about receiving at that moment. That makes me more of a nusance than a value.
What is my contribution to making this world a better place? I will keep pondering until I come up with something. There has to be something there or I wouldn't still be here would I?
Am I really worth anything as a person? What constitutes a person's worth? Some people believe that without a college degree you are not quite as good as. Is this true? I don't have a college degree. It wasn't necessarily a priority in my blue collar family. But one of the most intelligent persons I have ever met was my Father. There wasn't an instrument he couldn't play, he was wise in so many ways. He raised eight children who all graduated from high school, which was an huge accomplishment for him since he never finished 8th grade. Did he ever feel lesser than his collegues?
I don't think so. He was a master at math and electricity and just about any other mechanical thing. People came to him often for his help. Maybe it was a different time, but he was valued for what he could do not what he read about in some classroom.
But that was my Father. What makes me a person of worth? I really have no idea. I am not really good at keeping my home spotless even though I am not working. Even when I did work I wasn't the stellar employee my Hubby is. I have no interest in climbing the corporate ladder and never have had. What defines me as a person of value? I care about others and my increasingly irritating intuition leads me to be the Queen of Unsolicited Advice. I can not look into someone's eyes and see the hurt there and not say something. I am sure most people would not look at this trait as something of value since, again, my advice is usually prompted by my impression of what they are feeling and definitely not something they have asked for. Most would tell you I was not off base about how they are doing but maybe they don't want to talk about it and I just seem to open the door uninvited. Is this of value? Sometimes maybe, maybe not.
What do I contribute that makes me of value and earns me a place here? I don't know. I don't have a college degree that declares to the world that I am a person of worth. I don't have a job that I do with unfailing loyalty proving that I am an essential team player. What do I do that defines me as a person of worth, of value? I give plenty of unsolicited advice when I see people hurting which they usually are not all that thrilled about receiving at that moment. That makes me more of a nusance than a value.
What is my contribution to making this world a better place? I will keep pondering until I come up with something. There has to be something there or I wouldn't still be here would I?
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