Trying to Breathe

The thing that has taken over my son showed up at my door about a half hour ago.  He is just a bag of bones and bullshit.  He wanted to list his motorcycle so that he could pay the bail company that got him out this last time.  Fools, they paid his bail on his word.

He has lost his phone, has no place to stay but he was going to list his bike on Craigslist.  I told him I was quite puzzled as to how he was going to do this as I am not available to be his contact for any inquiries.

He is so mystified that no one will come to his aid.  He sat staring at me with a look on his face of total anger and then he got up and left.  I simply closed the door behind him and wished him luck out there.

I wish I could say that I am ok and this was just an uncomfortable moment but I am not.  I am angry, hurt, scared, sad, grieving and on and on and on.  Really just trying to breathe.  I keep thinking I should call someone, but I do not really want to talk to anyone.  No one knows what this is like and I know they mean well with their words but they just can't know what it is like to see your beautiful son reduced to the walking dead,  To know that it is just a matter of time till he is no longer the walking dead, he is just dead, to grieve for a dead son who can still walk and talk to you but is really not there, to have the grieving go on for days and days into years and years, holding your breath until he finally finds some peace and I can begin to heal.

I pray, I cry, I go on putting one foot in front of the other until I can do one final thing for my son,  put him in a box and give him some eternal rest.