Shouting Ranting and Raving for no Good Reason

I know that Michael keeps telling me that everything I write here is public and the whole world can see; but I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW.  I WANT TO SHOUT IT AND RANT AND RAVE TO EVERYONE EVERYWHERE; MY HEART IS BROKEN. It is broken into a million little pieces and I don't think I can ever put it back together.  It kills me every time my son walks out my door and I know that he is going to sleep in his car tonight.  That he may or may not be using tonight. That he may or may not be around tomorrow.  I want to scream it everywhere; someone help him! Someone take pity! If there is a God out there fix my little boy.

I do know that he is 40; but, please any Mothers out there, do you ever stop seeing them as that little blue eyed blonde hair chubby little toddler  cuddled in your lap on the rocking chair? Maybe its just me. I have tried to harden my heart to it, but all it does is harden me everywhere.  I can't close down a part of my heart and keep it open to everything else.  It just doesn't work that way.  I guess it is all or nothing.  Either I am a hard hearted realist or I sit here like this afternoon.  Wasting my day with useless tears and pleas to some power that be who doesn't feel it necessary to let me in on his plans for my son.

Sorry to dump on you world, but I need to find a way back to normal and maybe just getting this out there will help.