One of the men in my life that I have apparently had a very skewed view of is my son Brian. I remember what a pleasant little boy he was with his big blue eyes and his huge smile. His ability to talk so well at such an early age was so quaint. I was totally smitten. Mothers beware!
I have continued to see this beautiful boy to this day. My mistake. It has caused me such heartache and conflict. It has caused me to neglet and hurt the people in my life who would do anything for me just beause they love me.
Brian is the first and most important Prince Charming who must die. I have got to find a way to let the fairytale of the Baby Brian go. That mythical being must be slain. Brian is a monster who will litteraly suck the air out of my lungs and stop my heart and walk over my dead body when he was done.
He is back so deeply into the irrationality of his addiction and I have got to close my door and shut off my phone to him or I am truly going to lose my life, my sanity and probably the other people who love me so much. More importantly I am going to lose all sense of reality and self-respect.
When this monster who looks so much like my beautiful boy comes by I end up shaking and so tired that the thought of just moving from the corner of my couch seems like a monumental climb of Mt. Everest.
God help me Prince Charming Must Die!!! I have got to get a handle on the reality of the monster he has become and protect myself! Please God help me because I can't stop loving him but I can't stop hating him at the moment either and these two emotions are like matter and anti-matter and will end up obliterating me completely.
One of the first things I have to do is stop expecting that something I say or do will somehow get through. This is one of the reasons this weekend's retreat was so uncomfortable for me. I have to let go of any expectations I have that my Beautiful Boy, My first little Prince Charming is still in there somewhere and that I can somehow reach him. Prince Charming is Dead!!!! Long Live Mom!!!
During my time in the desert I learned that the degree of anger we feel is directly proportionate to the perceived injustice we are dealing with. There is a great deal of injustice here. It is unjust that a disease should cause a guy with such a terrific mind to appear to be so willing to throw it away. It is unjust that a disease should return after it appeared to be in permanent remission. And it is very unjust for a mother to lose her son to a disease after believing she had finally gotten him back forever. Your anger is understandable and my heart goes out to you. Perhaps, though, your anger is misdirected and should instead be focused on the disease. This is about a disease that is bigger than all of us combined and I do pray it will again return to remission so you can have your son back.
ReplyDeleteRespectfully,
Michael
Thank you Michael. This is my prayer also; however, I cannot let Brian continue to take advantage of me while he is in his disease. His dis-ease does not have to be my dis-ease. I know that his actions and verbal rants are a part of his illness, but he is responsible for the carnage he incurrs while using. I cannot absolve him his inappropriate and hurtful behavior even though I know that it is not truly my son acting so.
DeleteThis is my blog by the way. I am not sure if you wish to follow my random ravings and I will not be at all offended if you do not. Just let me know.
Love you lots,
Mary
My Dearest Friend,
DeleteSo much to say about so much said. First regarding Brian, it is not about getting your son back but about getting Mary back.He has his own journey which is between him and his highpower. So that bring us to "who is Mary"? I am sorry that you do not see your worth. None of us could imagine your seat being empty. Who would speak the truth as you see it? And remember on this issue, you know that you are not responsible for how other react. The important thing is that your friends KNOW you as an intelligent person. We all have taken our own routes to becoming who we are and street learning, to me is much more valuable than book learning. There will always be another article, with another set of Facts, changing or disclaiming the previous THEORY. Being street wise is a hard road of experiencing, questioning, making mistakes and not taking anything at face value. This can certainly make us pessimistic if it is juxtaposed with self doubt. But owning who we have become in view of our lifetime of learning demands honoring ourselves and what we have to offer the world. The "world" can accept us or not. You offer yourself up with the vast research (given your questioning mind)you've done and the life experience you've lived. That may be your gift. It doesn't show up in your bank account, but it certainly shows up in the VALUABLE person you are. If you'd like me to write an epitaph for you I will. Suffice it to say for now that I am proud to call you BFF! Donna